Thursday, February 4, 2010
i recently found out that my former partner has a "long-distance" partner and this has been on since last year. i discovered the same during a recent trip on a southern province when he opted to be alone despite me begging to join him and even booking an expensive airline ticket.
painful? yes. feeling betrayed? yes, in million magnitudes.
so i attempted to go on with life hurting and feeling emotionally imbalanced. every memory seemed to haunt me and reminders of the past was smacked to my face.
just recently, i caught him doing "shows" on webcam. the show was for a young person he have not met, yet flirted with him to be horny. imagine risking your face to be recorded and your shorts to be off just for a simple flirting? outrageous!
i also found "promiscuous" person in his social networking site. They are naked and bulging pictures. And he has almost all the excuses "how he knew him" or "how he add him because of" something. its really annoying, yet he has to cover all his own "promiscuous" activities. shocking!
he always texted and pretend to text when we are together. I have my own textmates but find it "bastos" texting while dining. I felt the urge to confront this unethical gesture but opted not to.
just recently, he rainchecked on a pre-planned activity of the group. With him having the initiative and all the contact persons, the group call the activity off. I just shrugged my shoulder when he said "i have to backout because i have to meet a friend on YM, he just visited Manila and he needs someone to tour him around". Again, out of line. Yet during those times, i felt jealousy. Ofcourse, this person i come to share happy thoughts and memories with.
I felt betrayed knowing that he has already a partner and moved on
I was hurt when i saw him showing on cam because he have not done it for me and now doing it for a stupid kid.
I feel pain seeing his network being flooded by naked pictures. He was exclusively for me before, now he is open for all.
Texting bothers me and im jealous. he will not text me anymore. I felt anger when he rainchecked, because he dont find us as important anymore.
Can i demand that this jealousy be verified? can i ask him to give this jealousy an attention?
I cant... i have no right.
And thats what makes it more painful...
painful? yes. feeling betrayed? yes, in million magnitudes.
so i attempted to go on with life hurting and feeling emotionally imbalanced. every memory seemed to haunt me and reminders of the past was smacked to my face.
just recently, i caught him doing "shows" on webcam. the show was for a young person he have not met, yet flirted with him to be horny. imagine risking your face to be recorded and your shorts to be off just for a simple flirting? outrageous!
i also found "promiscuous" person in his social networking site. They are naked and bulging pictures. And he has almost all the excuses "how he knew him" or "how he add him because of" something. its really annoying, yet he has to cover all his own "promiscuous" activities. shocking!
he always texted and pretend to text when we are together. I have my own textmates but find it "bastos" texting while dining. I felt the urge to confront this unethical gesture but opted not to.
just recently, he rainchecked on a pre-planned activity of the group. With him having the initiative and all the contact persons, the group call the activity off. I just shrugged my shoulder when he said "i have to backout because i have to meet a friend on YM, he just visited Manila and he needs someone to tour him around". Again, out of line. Yet during those times, i felt jealousy. Ofcourse, this person i come to share happy thoughts and memories with.
I felt betrayed knowing that he has already a partner and moved on
I was hurt when i saw him showing on cam because he have not done it for me and now doing it for a stupid kid.
I feel pain seeing his network being flooded by naked pictures. He was exclusively for me before, now he is open for all.
Texting bothers me and im jealous. he will not text me anymore. I felt anger when he rainchecked, because he dont find us as important anymore.
Can i demand that this jealousy be verified? can i ask him to give this jealousy an attention?
I cant... i have no right.
And thats what makes it more painful...
There are countless stupidities i have done in the past. I dont regret them because for me, those were results of immature thoughts, lapsing judgments or just plain fun. however, when stupidities gather after effects that burst not just to your face but other innocent people, you tend to regret the stupidity.
I intended a prank on a longtime friend. i posted his "private" picture and cropped it along side a "semi-private" picture of a friend who has a similar gender. I created a private profile and save the picture there. I showed this to my friend and pretend it was circulating on the internet. I was smiling all the time because i thought he knew that i did it from the moment i told him there is a private picture of him on a gay website. He dismiss the same (maybe he would not want me to capture his "private" moments) and tell me "not to bother".
The day after, i apologized. He was so pissed, so angry that if there is no control or sanity on his head, he might have hit or cause lethal injuries. He then burst to tears and told me how his family, friends and the other person was affected by the "stupid posting". I was surprised! That was NOT my intention. But clearly, my intention does not matter. there is damage that is caused and ripples have caused the joke to be a full-blown scandal.
I apologized again and again. He dismissed me every time and pushed me away (literally and figuratively) every time i explain what my intent was. Before i knew it, he cannot give forgiveness and was left alone. "i lose all the respect i have all my life and that is because of you", his last words are.
I cried and cried until sobbing is hurtful. i feel guilt, shame, fear, anger, and irresponsibility on what had happened. my heart seemed to explode every time i see things of him, memories of him.
Is it because i feel pity? i feel sad?
I know deep inside that i feel this way because i love him.
And i realized that when it was too late. He turned his back and went away. Far from me. far from the person who hurt him when he did nothing wrong. Far from the person whom trust and respect was given and cared for.
of the countless stupidities... this one i deeply regret.
I intended a prank on a longtime friend. i posted his "private" picture and cropped it along side a "semi-private" picture of a friend who has a similar gender. I created a private profile and save the picture there. I showed this to my friend and pretend it was circulating on the internet. I was smiling all the time because i thought he knew that i did it from the moment i told him there is a private picture of him on a gay website. He dismiss the same (maybe he would not want me to capture his "private" moments) and tell me "not to bother".
The day after, i apologized. He was so pissed, so angry that if there is no control or sanity on his head, he might have hit or cause lethal injuries. He then burst to tears and told me how his family, friends and the other person was affected by the "stupid posting". I was surprised! That was NOT my intention. But clearly, my intention does not matter. there is damage that is caused and ripples have caused the joke to be a full-blown scandal.
I apologized again and again. He dismissed me every time and pushed me away (literally and figuratively) every time i explain what my intent was. Before i knew it, he cannot give forgiveness and was left alone. "i lose all the respect i have all my life and that is because of you", his last words are.
I cried and cried until sobbing is hurtful. i feel guilt, shame, fear, anger, and irresponsibility on what had happened. my heart seemed to explode every time i see things of him, memories of him.
Is it because i feel pity? i feel sad?
I know deep inside that i feel this way because i love him.
And i realized that when it was too late. He turned his back and went away. Far from me. far from the person who hurt him when he did nothing wrong. Far from the person whom trust and respect was given and cared for.
of the countless stupidities... this one i deeply regret.
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