Thursday, February 4, 2010
There are countless stupidities i have done in the past. I dont regret them because for me, those were results of immature thoughts, lapsing judgments or just plain fun. however, when stupidities gather after effects that burst not just to your face but other innocent people, you tend to regret the stupidity.
I intended a prank on a longtime friend. i posted his "private" picture and cropped it along side a "semi-private" picture of a friend who has a similar gender. I created a private profile and save the picture there. I showed this to my friend and pretend it was circulating on the internet. I was smiling all the time because i thought he knew that i did it from the moment i told him there is a private picture of him on a gay website. He dismiss the same (maybe he would not want me to capture his "private" moments) and tell me "not to bother".
The day after, i apologized. He was so pissed, so angry that if there is no control or sanity on his head, he might have hit or cause lethal injuries. He then burst to tears and told me how his family, friends and the other person was affected by the "stupid posting". I was surprised! That was NOT my intention. But clearly, my intention does not matter. there is damage that is caused and ripples have caused the joke to be a full-blown scandal.
I apologized again and again. He dismissed me every time and pushed me away (literally and figuratively) every time i explain what my intent was. Before i knew it, he cannot give forgiveness and was left alone. "i lose all the respect i have all my life and that is because of you", his last words are.
I cried and cried until sobbing is hurtful. i feel guilt, shame, fear, anger, and irresponsibility on what had happened. my heart seemed to explode every time i see things of him, memories of him.
Is it because i feel pity? i feel sad?
I know deep inside that i feel this way because i love him.
And i realized that when it was too late. He turned his back and went away. Far from me. far from the person who hurt him when he did nothing wrong. Far from the person whom trust and respect was given and cared for.
of the countless stupidities... this one i deeply regret.
I intended a prank on a longtime friend. i posted his "private" picture and cropped it along side a "semi-private" picture of a friend who has a similar gender. I created a private profile and save the picture there. I showed this to my friend and pretend it was circulating on the internet. I was smiling all the time because i thought he knew that i did it from the moment i told him there is a private picture of him on a gay website. He dismiss the same (maybe he would not want me to capture his "private" moments) and tell me "not to bother".
The day after, i apologized. He was so pissed, so angry that if there is no control or sanity on his head, he might have hit or cause lethal injuries. He then burst to tears and told me how his family, friends and the other person was affected by the "stupid posting". I was surprised! That was NOT my intention. But clearly, my intention does not matter. there is damage that is caused and ripples have caused the joke to be a full-blown scandal.
I apologized again and again. He dismissed me every time and pushed me away (literally and figuratively) every time i explain what my intent was. Before i knew it, he cannot give forgiveness and was left alone. "i lose all the respect i have all my life and that is because of you", his last words are.
I cried and cried until sobbing is hurtful. i feel guilt, shame, fear, anger, and irresponsibility on what had happened. my heart seemed to explode every time i see things of him, memories of him.
Is it because i feel pity? i feel sad?
I know deep inside that i feel this way because i love him.
And i realized that when it was too late. He turned his back and went away. Far from me. far from the person who hurt him when he did nothing wrong. Far from the person whom trust and respect was given and cared for.
of the countless stupidities... this one i deeply regret.
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