pink and throbbing

I always admire people who are conversant online, witty on comments and "rich" in profiles. For me these are persons worth the countless hours in chatrooms, gay forum sites and online conversations of any kind.

Meeting my joyeux happened months back, after commenting on his profile at PlanetRomeo. His discussion about himself in both the shoutout and the entire profile is impeccable --- literally like water in the dry sun. Disguising myself as an imp, i commented wittingly. A response. Another comment. Another response. Before i knew it, there are conversations. Interesting ones to say the least.

Going back to his profile, there are pictures. Expressive eyes, check. Lean body, check. Height, check. Lips, check. And reasons to want him overflow me. I have to go to my solitude (coffee shop) to think if it is "proper" to meet him and begin the ritual. Is he the one? Will i attempt to end up his two-year comfort of singlehood? Am i assuming too much that this guy worthy of love is compatible to an ordinary gay guy like me?

I can think of reasons not to meet him. He smokes. He parties a lot. He is fund of publicly showing his daily activities through his blog. He might be more conversant with online set-up than the personal going out thingy. His voice is soft, and i am imagining "can he be that soft-acting too"? I apologize for thinking things not to like him because if the things can be weighed MY WAY, then the answer is obvious.

Months of conversing through online or mobile technological means, my liking intensifies. BUT! ofcourse there are flings and flirtations in between. I no longer had focus on what i wanted him to do, and was sidetracked by the "puppy love" thingy (refer to previous blogs) and other "encounters". Despite my lack of attention, he never forgets to send greetings and messages to brighten up the gloomy day. And now he had his goal: to meet me before the holidays.

I am not prepared. I might disappoint what the imagination provides for him (of me). I might cause him to roll his eyes and swear to Whoever he believes in that the person sitting in front of him is NOT worth the meet. These are fears. Imminent as they are, they can be actual nightmares. And like those who died of nightmares, they cannot control the dream. The worst thing is, that i predict the death is something like suicide by caffeine. My thoughts are unhealthy.

I do not want to destroy everything.

I dont want to shatter something that began with interesting conversations.