pink and throbbing

There are countless stupidities i have done in the past. I dont regret them because for me, those were results of immature thoughts, lapsing judgments or just plain fun. however, when stupidities gather after effects that burst not just to your face but other innocent people, you tend to regret the stupidity.

I intended a prank on a longtime friend. i posted his "private" picture and cropped it along side a "semi-private" picture of a friend who has a similar gender. I created a private profile and save the picture there. I showed this to my friend and pretend it was circulating on the internet. I was smiling all the time because i thought he knew that i did it from the moment i told him there is a private picture of him on a gay website. He dismiss the same (maybe he would not want me to capture his "private" moments) and tell me "not to bother".

The day after, i apologized. He was so pissed, so angry that if there is no control or sanity on his head, he might have hit or cause lethal injuries. He then burst to tears and told me how his family, friends and the other person was affected by the "stupid posting". I was surprised! That was NOT my intention. But clearly, my intention does not matter. there is damage that is caused and ripples have caused the joke to be a full-blown scandal.

I apologized again and again. He dismissed me every time and pushed me away (literally and figuratively) every time i explain what my intent was. Before i knew it, he cannot give forgiveness and was left alone. "i lose all the respect i have all my life and that is because of you", his last words are.

I cried and cried until sobbing is hurtful. i feel guilt, shame, fear, anger, and irresponsibility on what had happened. my heart seemed to explode every time i see things of him, memories of him.

Is it because i feel pity? i feel sad?

I know deep inside that i feel this way because i love him.

And i realized that when it was too late. He turned his back and went away. Far from me. far from the person who hurt him when he did nothing wrong. Far from the person whom trust and respect was given and cared for.

of the countless stupidities... this one i deeply regret.

I always admire people who are conversant online, witty on comments and "rich" in profiles. For me these are persons worth the countless hours in chatrooms, gay forum sites and online conversations of any kind.

Meeting my joyeux happened months back, after commenting on his profile at PlanetRomeo. His discussion about himself in both the shoutout and the entire profile is impeccable --- literally like water in the dry sun. Disguising myself as an imp, i commented wittingly. A response. Another comment. Another response. Before i knew it, there are conversations. Interesting ones to say the least.

Going back to his profile, there are pictures. Expressive eyes, check. Lean body, check. Height, check. Lips, check. And reasons to want him overflow me. I have to go to my solitude (coffee shop) to think if it is "proper" to meet him and begin the ritual. Is he the one? Will i attempt to end up his two-year comfort of singlehood? Am i assuming too much that this guy worthy of love is compatible to an ordinary gay guy like me?

I can think of reasons not to meet him. He smokes. He parties a lot. He is fund of publicly showing his daily activities through his blog. He might be more conversant with online set-up than the personal going out thingy. His voice is soft, and i am imagining "can he be that soft-acting too"? I apologize for thinking things not to like him because if the things can be weighed MY WAY, then the answer is obvious.

Months of conversing through online or mobile technological means, my liking intensifies. BUT! ofcourse there are flings and flirtations in between. I no longer had focus on what i wanted him to do, and was sidetracked by the "puppy love" thingy (refer to previous blogs) and other "encounters". Despite my lack of attention, he never forgets to send greetings and messages to brighten up the gloomy day. And now he had his goal: to meet me before the holidays.

I am not prepared. I might disappoint what the imagination provides for him (of me). I might cause him to roll his eyes and swear to Whoever he believes in that the person sitting in front of him is NOT worth the meet. These are fears. Imminent as they are, they can be actual nightmares. And like those who died of nightmares, they cannot control the dream. The worst thing is, that i predict the death is something like suicide by caffeine. My thoughts are unhealthy.

I do not want to destroy everything.

I dont want to shatter something that began with interesting conversations.

What is your reaction seeing naked bodies of hot and sensual men? If your response goes something like "so?!!", then there is a possibility that (a) you are straight, (b) you have an erectile dysfunction, (c) you are a lesbian or (d) you are neutered or malfunctioning neurons invade your sense of "horniness".

The truth is, we desire what we see. The naked truth is, we cannot have what we desire. The other truth is, we can be rejected by the things we desire. The other naked truth is it is painful to be rejected (much more if it is the one we desired most).

Everyday, there are naked truths that were presented to us by the process of the so-called "life". We appreciate others, we deny most and we take for granted what is left behind. But little that we know that the naked truth are foundation of paradigms, perceptions and philosophies. They are sources of success, delight, frustrations and doom. Like guns and credit cards, it depends how they are used. Sadly, most people have difficulty using them.

Some naked truth applicable:

1. If you are gay and you are in a monogamous relation, THINK! Are you convincing yourself that you are the exception to the general rule or you are in a vegetable state that cant do nothing but accept what is done to you?

2. If you are single and you advance the reasoning that you are career-oriented, then you might end up old, single and miserable (not necessarily in that order) in the not-so-distant future;

3. If you pleasure yourself every day or more than four times a week, then consider yourself included in item two.

4. If you are with a partner and you pleasure yourself every day, then either you are a sexual-maniac or that your partner is dead or absent (either way, you will be single soon after your realization).

5. If you say you are straight-acting and keep your manly gestures despite the reputation that you are the ultimate bottom-boat, a COCKroach will visit you and you will humiliate yourself through your own shrieking!

6. If you say you are top, then in the next minutes of sexual congress, dont ask your partner to "do you first time". It is gross.

7. If you are tired of playing around, the next thing to do is visit a doctor and undergo a sexual check-up. You might play hard, but the incurable can hit you harder.

8. If you do things without the rubber and reason out you want actaul skin, then the more you are vulnerable to actual virus.

9. If you claim to be a sub or servant and has not experienced real pain in your lives, you have three counts to declare otherwise.

10. If you think brown sex is as funny as brown jokes, visit your psychiatrist. Bring some baby wipes and lots of disinfecting alcohol.

11. If you think you found your "ideal partner" and still has time to "check out" other men, then raise your standard of the "ideal"

12. If you are hurt physically and much more emotionally, pack your bags and leave the relationship. Do NOT look back.

13. If you think that it takes one to pose nude on photos on a gay netsite in order to search for a relationship that will last, put some trousers on. You can get laid or get mauled or get robbed and get the virus too. Just a reminder.

14. If in doubt that your partner is cheating on you, HE is! Unless you have a history of paranoia and neurotic genes.

15. If you think the above is exclusive, the bad news is, they come in million ways and forms.

The naked truths are absolute. But the appreciation of men may be flawed. Thus, the truth to one may be an opinion, a joke or senseless rant to another. Thus, i do not expect these truths to be your absolute. What I am saying is that these truths for me are ABSOLUTE. One may argue or counter-argue. Again, appreciation is key. The naked truth may come in one form that is acceptable to others. For now, my appreciation is that these naked truths are all over. You can accept, deny or just ignore them.

I remember when the day i met you online as i was awed by your facial expression. Your face reminds me of a popular movie and television star who, despite not having the lean and model-like body, was gifted with an oozing sex appeal. Imagine someone like that appearing by the "single and available"section. Imagine someone like that answering every message and humbly shy away after complements. I remember.

After months of continuously bothering sending you messages, viewing your pictures and conversing through mobile, i felt fondness. I am sure someone so uniquely situated into chatting with someone without a webcam and mic amidst splash of technological advancement has doubts. I think i will have doubts being placed to that situation.

There are ups and downs and many times my profile was deleted in the friend's list. yet many times you came back apologizing. My fondness intensifies. Then i remember having this feeling decades back. It brings memories when youth offers a glimpse of infatuation and emotional longing-ness. I experienced this times in the past! this is puppy love!

I experienced years ago to wait for the night to talk to you. i experienced the tingling reaction when you say good night and hello on any telecommunication platform. I still get high on the attention you have given me. And i am hurting if we end up fighting on petty things or when there are nights you never go online. I remember this. I experienced this.

Now, i am within the grasp of "puppy falling" again. But i ask myself: Will the experience and countless exposure to possible relationship applies for me to cut this momentary online encounter or to shove away all standards and accept the fact that pupply love, like many things in love, is sweeter the second (or how many) time around?

Iam still undecided. Are you?

Entering puberty, i was exposed to what is now called "the call of the flesh". it may not be a loud-sounding call then --- maybe a whisper but remains so tempting and invigorating that there is no choice but to give in. It will start as an act of curiosity, then a mechanical act, then actions with inputs of the naughtiness and creativity of the sensual mind.

my sexual fantasy, what is it?

As an teenager i would love to meet my idol on television. I am too meek and "good" to entertain thoughts leading to bed and positions thereafter. When i finally plunged into practice as a result of responding to sexual awakening and satisfying sexual awareness, the fantasy goes deeper. This time the arousal is not limited to the visual but the sensation accompanying what the eyes can see. I was satisfied before to mere observations --- the watcher. Now i intend to be participative, to be bolder and more experimental.

Who would not have sexual fantasies with a professor in college? A sportsman? a matinee idol or even a wrestling superstar. Who would not fantasize over muscles, curves and bulges? Who would not waste sexual liquidities to the thought of fondling, caressing and the act of copulation? These are the times when we become vulnerable to the call of the flesh. And with experience and right judgment, we still give in. Who would not let go of pretensions when sexual fantasy is formed, or better, fulfilled?