Tuesday, December 15, 2009
(nb. patterned after a blog with similar title)
I always admire people who are conversant online, witty on comments and "rich" in profiles. For me these are persons worth the countless hours in chatrooms, gay forum sites and online conversations of any kind.
Meeting my joyeux happened months back, after commenting on his profile at PlanetRomeo. His discussion about himself in both the shoutout and the entire profile is impeccable --- literally like water in the dry sun. Disguising myself as an imp, i commented wittingly. A response. Another comment. Another response. Before i knew it, there are conversations. Interesting ones to say the least.
Going back to his profile, there are pictures. Expressive eyes, check. Lean body, check. Height, check. Lips, check. And reasons to want him overflow me. I have to go to my solitude (coffee shop) to think if it is "proper" to meet him and begin the ritual. Is he the one? Will i attempt to end up his two-year comfort of singlehood? Am i assuming too much that this guy worthy of love is compatible to an ordinary gay guy like me?
I can think of reasons not to meet him. He smokes. He parties a lot. He is fund of publicly showing his daily activities through his blog. He might be more conversant with online set-up than the personal going out thingy. His voice is soft, and i am imagining "can he be that soft-acting too"? I apologize for thinking things not to like him because if the things can be weighed MY WAY, then the answer is obvious.
Months of conversing through online or mobile technological means, my liking intensifies. BUT! ofcourse there are flings and flirtations in between. I no longer had focus on what i wanted him to do, and was sidetracked by the "puppy love" thingy (refer to previous blogs) and other "encounters". Despite my lack of attention, he never forgets to send greetings and messages to brighten up the gloomy day. And now he had his goal: to meet me before the holidays.
I am not prepared. I might disappoint what the imagination provides for him (of me). I might cause him to roll his eyes and swear to Whoever he believes in that the person sitting in front of him is NOT worth the meet. These are fears. Imminent as they are, they can be actual nightmares. And like those who died of nightmares, they cannot control the dream. The worst thing is, that i predict the death is something like suicide by caffeine. My thoughts are unhealthy.
I do not want to destroy everything.
I dont want to shatter something that began with interesting conversations.
The truth is, we desire what we see. The naked truth is, we cannot have what we desire. The other truth is, we can be rejected by the things we desire. The other naked truth is it is painful to be rejected (much more if it is the one we desired most).
Everyday, there are naked truths that were presented to us by the process of the so-called "life". We appreciate others, we deny most and we take for granted what is left behind. But little that we know that the naked truth are foundation of paradigms, perceptions and philosophies. They are sources of success, delight, frustrations and doom. Like guns and credit cards, it depends how they are used. Sadly, most people have difficulty using them.
Some naked truth applicable:
1. If you are gay and you are in a monogamous relation, THINK! Are you convincing yourself that you are the exception to the general rule or you are in a vegetable state that cant do nothing but accept what is done to you?
2. If you are single and you advance the reasoning that you are career-oriented, then you might end up old, single and miserable (not necessarily in that order) in the not-so-distant future;
3. If you pleasure yourself every day or more than four times a week, then consider yourself included in item two.
4. If you are with a partner and you pleasure yourself every day, then either you are a sexual-maniac or that your partner is dead or absent (either way, you will be single soon after your realization).
5. If you say you are straight-acting and keep your manly gestures despite the reputation that you are the ultimate bottom-boat, a COCKroach will visit you and you will humiliate yourself through your own shrieking!
6. If you say you are top, then in the next minutes of sexual congress, dont ask your partner to "do you first time". It is gross.
7. If you are tired of playing around, the next thing to do is visit a doctor and undergo a sexual check-up. You might play hard, but the incurable can hit you harder.
8. If you do things without the rubber and reason out you want actaul skin, then the more you are vulnerable to actual virus.
9. If you claim to be a sub or servant and has not experienced real pain in your lives, you have three counts to declare otherwise.
10. If you think brown sex is as funny as brown jokes, visit your psychiatrist. Bring some baby wipes and lots of disinfecting alcohol.
11. If you think you found your "ideal partner" and still has time to "check out" other men, then raise your standard of the "ideal"
12. If you are hurt physically and much more emotionally, pack your bags and leave the relationship. Do NOT look back.
13. If you think that it takes one to pose nude on photos on a gay netsite in order to search for a relationship that will last, put some trousers on. You can get laid or get mauled or get robbed and get the virus too. Just a reminder.
14. If in doubt that your partner is cheating on you, HE is! Unless you have a history of paranoia and neurotic genes.
15. If you think the above is exclusive, the bad news is, they come in million ways and forms.
The naked truths are absolute. But the appreciation of men may be flawed. Thus, the truth to one may be an opinion, a joke or senseless rant to another. Thus, i do not expect these truths to be your absolute. What I am saying is that these truths for me are ABSOLUTE. One may argue or counter-argue. Again, appreciation is key. The naked truth may come in one form that is acceptable to others. For now, my appreciation is that these naked truths are all over. You can accept, deny or just ignore them.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
After months of continuously bothering sending you messages, viewing your pictures and conversing through mobile, i felt fondness. I am sure someone so uniquely situated into chatting with someone without a webcam and mic amidst splash of technological advancement has doubts. I think i will have doubts being placed to that situation.
There are ups and downs and many times my profile was deleted in the friend's list. yet many times you came back apologizing. My fondness intensifies. Then i remember having this feeling decades back. It brings memories when youth offers a glimpse of infatuation and emotional longing-ness. I experienced this times in the past! this is puppy love!
I experienced years ago to wait for the night to talk to you. i experienced the tingling reaction when you say good night and hello on any telecommunication platform. I still get high on the attention you have given me. And i am hurting if we end up fighting on petty things or when there are nights you never go online. I remember this. I experienced this.
Now, i am within the grasp of "puppy falling" again. But i ask myself: Will the experience and countless exposure to possible relationship applies for me to cut this momentary online encounter or to shove away all standards and accept the fact that pupply love, like many things in love, is sweeter the second (or how many) time around?
Iam still undecided. Are you?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I fought the urge as I saw him pleasuring himself. I did nothing and I knew that he knew I was standing there watching him. He continuously taunts me with hopeless satisfaction and teases me with forbidden pleasure. Yet I stood there still --- I did nothing because I cannot do anything.
Ours is an unconventional set-up. After splitting up years ago, we remain to live on the same roof. Maybe it is for convenience, or maybe we are both lazy to move and transfer things to another house, or maybe we still cling for gratifying support. Would I fault “us” if we think this is a practical “status quo”? Would I criticize the fact that the relationship has ceased and the act of satisfying carnal needs remain?
I was advised that it was not healthy emotional-wise. And I agree. Yet I did nothing. Why is it that my throbbing need to experience sexual bliss weighed more than moving forward? Why is it that I continuously seek his ability to fill my urges yet I know that he will not do so in the not-so-distant future? What am I afraid of? Or were the years of maintaining a relationship enough to give one’s self the excuse to cling and move on when it is convenient?
I saw him pleasuring himself. As his hand raised and lowered on a rhythm of physiological motion, I saw in his eyes the need to release his earthly passion and desire. And with one nod towards me, he challenges my will to be strong and took a step to stop our sexual rendezvous. With his eyes half-closed, right hand on his shaft and the other playing with his nipples, he caused an invitation to join him even if it is until the last drop. His smile caused by arousal, his gestures caused by sensation. He tempt me to join him…
And I did… again.
Monday, November 9, 2009
thank you nightcharm.com for the picture
Friday, November 6, 2009
I have been in an abusive relationship for five years now.
We started out as the "ideal" couple with dreams to achieve and talents to achieve that dream. It is as if the world stopped and started creating our story. Day by day, love, laughter and lust intensifies. We no longer live as separate persons, but in unison with the Universe's exemplification of relationship bliss.
Our monthly celebration turns 12, then 24 and so on. We both experienced what "happy anniversary" is. We go to to fine dining, prepare for special gifts and spend long weekends together. Year after year, we lived normally as perfect partners. Perfect because despite what the day poses as challenge, we still wake up together by each others side and lay together at night.
Then, one day, i woke up being alone in the relationship. At first my reaction was that of dismissing the idea that it is OVER. I treat the day normally but cry at night and let sobs put me to sleep. The thing that complicate things is that we stay together as "friends" --- living together and satisfying each others carnal needs. Or maybe because of convenience and necessity of the flesh that we remain sleeping on the same bed.
But, I was not prepared for the worst. Soon, I was treated like a burden, a trash, a dirty piece. I was humiliated and scorned that "no other person alive will accept me unless i submit my will". Most of the times i am being pushed away. I am hurt, i am abused. The abuse will not happen physically but leads to moral and emotional complications. It goes to pierce my core. I cannot do anything. I am imbalanced. I am helpless.
For now, I need help. I need some saving...
Friday, October 2, 2009
welcome to this site!!!
i finally decided to have my personal journal online. the journal is about thoughts of a soul who go to work and attend to a professional life, one who rides public transports, who reads books and critique them after wards and one who writes about anything on whim and fancy.
this might be my story, your story (alone or with a partner) or our story. Regardless of the origin, the fact remains that within the story lies a lesson waiting to be discussed over a cup of coffee, or be kept and later be utilized when the world presented a similar situation.
while the title tickles some imagination, lets leave it at that. free exercise of imagination can lead to wonders...
questions may be asked, opinions may be raised and ideas may clashed but ethics and respect remains universal and will be strictly observed. if you have dirty thoughts, there are two venues available: the bedroom or the dungeon. if there are interesting things to be shared, the gates waiting for thoughts or probably insights.
with that, i will start to unzip, to expose and let what is pink and throbbing be of everyone's delight and excitement. The expectations may be high, but the limits of a naughty mind may be higher :)
we begin the commitment and we have taken the first step. can we keep up? :)
